Pretender Episode Guide

I started putting this episode guide together because I was dubbing episodes for a friend overseas, and realized that I was entirely dependent on other people's episode guides for ep numbers and titles. So I started this for the friend (to send along with the tapes) and because I wanted a "local" guide. I worry about depending on the websites of others-- they might or might not be around for long.

So, no more. Here's mine own. The titles and episode numbers were originally from Perri's episode guide, but don't blame her for the snarky badness that follows.

I also put this together to help me remember where some of the good stuff was. You know, the comments, meaningful moments, the good character interaction, the outfits that look especially good (or bad). This is very little help on the a-plot side, or the mytharc side. It's just my memory-jogger.

It's incomplete (consider it a work in progress), rude, snarky, and rude. It contains many spoilers and lots of nasty comments, along with a healthy dose of irreverence and more than a little Jill-on-her-soapbox. Unless stated otherwise, assume that all the A plots turn out just fine. We're not really here for the A plot anyway, are we? I didn't think so.

*Season One*
1.1	Pilot	A: Jarod is out of the Centre, and Pretends to be a doctor to find out why a boy's spinal cord was severed. It was because the doctor was a drunk.
		B: It's the pilot.
1.2	Every Picture Tells a Story	A: Jarod joins the Coast Guard.
		B:
1.3	Flyer	A: Jarod poses as a test pilot; another test pilot died because a guidance system was faulty.
		B: Jarod learns to lip read so that he can see what a man in his DSAs is saying. The first appearance of Mr. Raines, and Miss P is creepily subservient to him. Hey, that doesn't last long.
1.4	Curious Jarod	A: Jarod works as head of security in a casino to determine why a showgirl was attacked.
		B: Parker puts the squeeze on a contact. Jarod speaks Spanish and wants to find out who the Man in the Yellow Hat is in the "Curious George" books. Jarod is nearly caught by Miss P and Sydney, but gets saved by casino security guys and he recommends a strip search for Miss P. Entertaining Elvis impersonator stuff. Sydney smiles really adorably and, apparently, also speaks Spanish.
1.5	The Paper Clock	A: Jarod's a lawyer for, among other things, a transvestite cab driver.
		B: "Tell Broots I discovered Radio Shack." The Centre promises to give Jarod information on his family in exchange for the DSAs. Jarod gets a picture of his mother. Of course, the deal is a fake. Miss Parker shoots at Jarod-- and misses. Hmm. Did she mean to miss?
1.6	To Serve and Protect	A:
		B:
1.7	A Virus Among Us	A: Jarod's a scientist. Virologist, to be precise.
		B:
1.8	Not Even a Mouse	A: Jarod discovers Christmas, and fruitcake, when he goes undercover as a coroner and discovers his new boss killed a homeless man, "Christmas George."
		B: Bunny! Bunny! You expect a coherent plot summary of this episode? Ha! This episode rocks, and is in my top three Pretender eps of all time. There are moments of gentle beauty in this, and it was written, acted and shot with a lot of affection for the characters and the show.
1.9	Mirage	A: Jarod is a skydiving instructor.
		B: I like the mysteriously appearing Native American guest star. And Jarod gives Miss P a present.
1.10	The Better Part of Valor	A: Jarod's a firefighter. Cute dog.
		B: Angelo shows up for the first time. Miss Parker gets re-involved with an old flame, despite the fact that he's married. Ooooh. Jarod talks to the dog, but MTW is obviously better with kids. I'm guessing he's a cat person.
1.11	Potato Head Blues	A: Jarod's on the bomb squad.
		B: Jarod discovers Mr. Potato Head. Jarod wants a police artist to age a picture of his mom.
1.12	Prison Story	A: Jarod acts as a prison guard.
		B: Miss P finds out she has an ulcer. Hangs out in a hotel with Syd and Broots. I need to rewatch this one.
1.13	Bazooka Jarod	A: Jarod's on a destroyer. I love it when he's military.
		B: Oh, he's so cute in uniform. And again, he has good chemistry with a younger actor; in this case, a teenaged girl.
1.14	Ranger Jarod	A: Jarod searches for a lost boy who, it turns out, witnessed a cop messing around with illegal drugs and was trapped in a mine. A Plot = dullness calculated to give Jarod screen time with Nia.
		B: Jarod gives up his V-card to Nia, a woman who survived losing her family to the Argentinian government. Bless them, she's not a Barbie doll. The expected, done in an unexpectedly tender fashion, with even a nice Nia/Miss P scene at the end.
1.15	Jeraldo!	A: Jarod works as a news cameraman to trap a sleazy reporter who got the previous cameraman shot.
		B: Look, Mike Horton's back with April! Miss P and Sydney are trapped in a building scheduled to be blown up. Broots saves them, because he's Broots. And Miss P is really, really happy to have a ciggy when they get out.
1.16	Under the Reds	A: A bad seed EMT is directing business to a hospital that isn't convenient, just to get money. Jarod acts as an EMT, managing to evade Persistent Hospital Administrator Guy, and catches the bad guy. Too late for a young man in a coma. Very sad (and surprisingly engaging) A-plot stuff, here.
		B: Sydney has a twin brother, Jacob, who's been in a coma for years. Jarod tries to help with a drug that brings Jacob out of his coma for just a moment. Miss P has to pretend to kill Jacob. The Miss P/Syd stuff is just great in this. Classic season one.
1.17	Keys	A: You mean there's an A plot?
		B: Oh, please. You've memorized this one. They're wet, they're tied up, and they have an actual conversation. Jarod utters the immortal line "Because I still remember the little girl who gave me my first kiss." You can quote it, for God's sake. Who needs a summary? They share screen time! Woobie!
1.18	Unhappy Landings	A: Jarod's a US Marshal! Sadly, no yummy Tommy Lee Jones here.
		B: Broots tries to find out what happened to the children that Catherine Parker rescued. Whoops. All dead. The first mention of Kyle is in this ep.
1.19	Jarod's Honor	A: Jarod fills in for a limping hitman, hired by a New Orleans man to kill a man and wife who wouldn't sell their jazz clubs to him.
		B: Miss P and Syd go to Minneapolis for a twins convention, where Syd meets twins who worked with Jacob and remember him arguing with Raines just before the accident. Jarod finds a PI who may have been hired by his parents, but is unable to learn anything from him. Both Jarod and Sydney think they were each sent by the other to New Orleans and Minneapolis respectively, but weren't. Miss P tries to give up smoking, and Broots sends her a carton of menthols (she never realises it was Broots, though).
1.20	Baby Love	A: Jarod finds a baby in a dumpster. Turns out it's the illegitimate child of a politician. The baby is adorable, and clearly MTW is good with kids. Worth watching just for the baby/MTW interaction. I also really like the actors who play the trucker and the beauty shop owner; some good guest star casting here.
		B: Jarod sends the group blueprints which lead to Broots figuring out that there's another sublevel-- SL27, the same number that Parker found on a bracelet and that Jacob wrote down for Sydney.
1.21	The Dragon House (two hours)	A: Harriet Tashman, a woman who knew/knows Jarod's parents, shows up. Jarod finds out he has a brother. Kyle gets taken to the Centre and is experimented on; Jarod breaks in, talks to Syd, then with Angelo's help breaks Kyle out. Looks like Kyle gets blown up in a van at the end. Jarod gets very close to meeting his mother, but is stopped in a very confusingly choreographed scene.
		B: Mr. Parker gets escorted to the Tower at the end; before going, we hear him on the phone with Lyle-- and he calls him "Mr. Lyle," treating him very much like a superior. A fair chunk of the stuff Harriet tells Jarod ends up being contradicted by later events. Continuity isn't the strong suit on this show; just hop in and take a ride.

*Season Two*
2.1	Back From the Dead Again	A: Jarod acts as a pathology professor. Finds the body of a student's brother and figures out that another doctor is killing homeless for his research project. Discovers Halloween.
		B: Mr. Lyle's first appearance at the Centre, in Mr. Parker's office. Brigitte's first appearance, too, as the "new cleaner." Mr. P has disappeared. Jarod is having nightmares and "missing time" and Sydney figures out it was when he was sent to Europe; he was experimented on by Raines and Lyle. Finest moment, and one that ranks as one of my favorite moments of the entire series (and one of MTW's best moments ever): "Do you feel your brother's pain?" "Every day."
2.2	Scott Free	A: Jarod substitutes for a one-armed safe cracker to help a paroled man stay with his son, rather than get arrested again. The paroled man spends a lot of time looking incredibly dumb.
		B:Lyle and Brigitte trail Parker and figure out she's about to find Jarod. They "corner" him in a diamond depository, but Jarod locks them in the security office. Jarod remembers making a Father's Day card for Syd; when he asks Syd about it, Syd denies wanting to be Jarod's father-- but he has saved the card. Sniff.
2.3	Over the Edge	A: Jarod joins a search and rescue team to discover why a suspected suicide attempt wasn't, exactly.
		B: "I have a gun, and I'll use it" saith Miss P to a hairy sensory deprivation tank operator. Jarod talks to Sydney about his mother, and discovers Spiderman. Lyle and Brigitte hire a doctor to come in and find out who shot Raines. Miss P scares the poor doctor. The doctor tells Brigitte and Lyle that anyone could have shot Raines, but then tells Jarod he knows who did it; Jarod apparently has something on the man ("We're even. For now.")
2.4	Exposed	A: Jarod's a fashion photographer, after training as a child photographer. He finds a stalker. He wears odd glasses and dresses like he's in "The Birdcage." I like him better in leather. He says "trust me" a lot.
		B: "Where's Planned Parenthood when you need them?" Broots has dreams about Miss P. Jarod gives Miss P a ViewMaster, asking "Where's Daddy?" This sends her to Maine, and Ben, and yet another dropped plot thread. She finds out her mother was a dancer. Music box, picture of Ben and Catherine, and date-stamping that would lead one to believe that Ben is Miss P's father. God forbid this should be followed up.
2.5	Nip and Tuck	A: Plastic surgeon. Blah blah.
		B: Look, an actual Broots plot. Need to re-watch this one, too.
2.6	Past Sim	A: Lyle is using one of Jarod's old sims to kidnap a trial witness. Jarod's pretty freaking pissed off by it.
		B: Annoying guest star. But Miss Parker, you naughty girl-- multilingual and apparently hot for Tommy Tanaka after all these years. Excellent Lyle abuse.
2.7	Collateral Damage	A: Jarod joins the Army Rangers to clear the name of a man who's been denied listing on the Vietnam Memorial Wall.
		B: Miss P babysits Debbie Broots. Fabulous, wonderful Parker episode. Her mother read to her, and brushed her hair. Debbie finds a package that Parker never opened-- it's "Little Women," and she ends up giving the book to Debbie. Great lines: "And no noise, which includes crying and whining." "How'd you get to be so mean?" "I was born that way." "No. You weren't." Ouch.
2.8	Hazards	A: Jarod's in hazardous waste disposal. Nice orange suit. He clears a guy who thought his own mistake killed his friends.
		B: Sydney. We learn he and Jacob were used as test subjects by the Nazis. "But Sydney, you're not Jewish." "I'm a twin." Parker screwing on the silencer to the gun and handing it to Syd, the flashbacks to Sydney having Jarod act as a police sketch artist to draw his own torturer... This is an awkward episode overall, but there's a lot here worth watching. "Maybe we can go fishing." Jarod spends most of season two just longing for Sydney to acknowledge that he feels like Jarod's father, and it's really painful. Also painful is the amount of eyeliner he starts wearing this season.
2.9	F/X	A: Jarod's a stunt man, doing special effects for an ad agency shooting a beer commercial. Another A plot assuming that no one but Jarod ever investigates any evidence, which, while convenient, is reaching.
		B: Back down to SL-27 they go. Jarod has sent a fake monster named Igor, and in his tummy is a tape revealing that Catherine Parker worked with a "Mr. Fenigore" to try and save Timmy. Timmy is actually Angelo, destroyed by Mr. Raines. Yeah, don't think about it too hard, because it's worth it just for Miss P sliding down the wall and looking at Angelo around a corner, her heart breaking for a thousand reasons.
2.10	Indy Show	A: Jarod's a race car driver. He just doesn't look like a race car driver to me.
		B: Jacob's out of his coma, and Sydney takes him up to his cabin to die. I don't think all of this is PB's finest work, but there are some lovely moments. Miss P doing the look-away-semi-grimace and then taking Sydney in her arms as he cries for his brother is, really, a summary of the Miss Parker character.
2.11	Gigolo Jarod	A: Jarod works for an escort service, escorting a female developer in Detroit and a woman who is trying to get back at her husband. He sleeps with neither. The city looks nothing like Detroit.
		B: Jarod wrote a romance novel about Miss Parker, including a cover picture. There are conversations about why they're both alone. She eats a candy heart with a very decisive crack. Yeah, you know this episode by heart too. They're yummy.
2.12	Toy Surprise	A: The alleged Jarod A plot, isn't. This is all about Parker. Blah blah kid traumatized by best friend's death. Jarod gives Parker a heads up that someone is trying to kill Mr. P; turns out it's Brigitte. Chick fight!
		B: Damn straight it's all about Parker. It's Commando Parker in all her glory. Yay! Save Daddy's life. Kick in the elevator control panel. Drag a terrified Broots around. Bash Brigitte. Get wounded and still kick ass. Yeah, baby. Oh, and the end, at the cemetary. I weep.
2.13	A Stand-Up Guy	A: Jarod is a counterfeiter for the mob.
		B: Mr. Lyle isn't dead after all, and he kills off everyone at a Centre data annex. The B-plot is mostly memorable because Daddy P essentially asks his little girl to track down and kill Lyle. Parker is horrified. She wears a bad, bad hat to confront Lyle. Lyle tries to shoot Parker, she shoots him, and he ends up in the water (presumed dead). Interesting, what is and is not moral for Parker.
2.14	Unforgotten	A: Clip show. Jarod has amnesia after a head wound from a (horribly acted!) bad guy. Argyle finds him, handcuffs him to a bed, and eventually tries to get bounty from the Centre for him.
		B: Miss P, Sydney and Broots sit for a "t-board." "T is for torture." The t-board is allegedly to determine why they're not catching Jarod fast enough. Brigitte is involved. Turns out Daddy P set up the t-board. It's hard to really feel like anyone's threatened in this ep. Broots asking for a robe, though? Funneh.
2.15	Bulletproof	A:Jarod's on a SWAT team. Hello, who kills anyone in a ROLLER RINK? Does anyone even go to roller rinks any more? Reverse skate! Is that the only place you could find access to use for filming?
		B: Sydney's looking for Michelle, a woman he knew at the Centre years ago. Jarod found a birth certificate and it turns out the Centre sent Michelle away when they discovered she was pregnant, because they didn't want Sydney distracted from the Pretender Project. Sydney has a lovely son, Nicholas, who believes another man is his father. Sydney does a meet-cute at the school where Nicholas teaches. Disconnect in this episode: Miss P spends most of the B-plot invading Syd's privacy, then at the end tells him she didn't talk to him directly because "Everyone deserves a life." Admirable sentiment, but one she should have qualified.
2.16	Silence	A:Jarod's with the DEA helping a little boy. Again, terrific kid chemistry.
		B: Raines damaged someone else on SL-27. This B-plot feels incredibly contrived-- even for this show. It just doesn't work well. An early example of overreaching, when existing characters could easily have been used to illustrate the point.
2.17	Crash	A: Jarod gives up his airplane seat to a young man, and the plane blows up. Look, actual motivation for Jarod's investigation! Well, motivation that we see. For once.
		B: Bwahahahahaha! Miss Parker and Broots at a high school reunion! Xena! Fabulosity everywhere! The little missus! We also find out about Lyle's childhood. He doesn't look like a Bobby, does he?
2.18	Stolen	A: Jarod is thrown into pretending to be a father, because the real father's in a coma and the son has been kidnapped. Ridiculously convoluted.
		B: Jarod gets caught in this episode, while still trying to save the kidnapped boy; Sydney steps between Jarod and Miss Parker's gun. Interesting on many levels, because first season Miss P might have shot Syd to get Jarod-- or would have tried a lot harder to get around Sydney's block. You can choose to believe that she heard Jarod's pleas, even if she won't acknowledge it consciously.
2.19	Red Rock Jarod	A: Mr. Lyle has kidnapped the pregnant wife of a small-town sheriff and is holding her hostage (in a tank underground-- Lyle is nothing if not inventive) so that the sheriff will help him capture Jarod. He does, for a while, but Kyle shows up alive.
		B: Most of this episode is a waste of time. But the various torture bits are interesting-- LyleTorture, JarodTorture. Yum. And the end, where Kyle takes the bullet and everyone's standing around, wind-whipped, with guns and sweepers and tears-- they just pull this shit out of nowhere, sometimes, and it makes you weep. There's just no excuse for eps like Wild Child and that whole awful kidney-stealing thing when they're capable of this.
2.20	Bank	A: They're looking for Mr. Fenigore, yes they are, but the bank gets robbed and they're trapped there, eventually in the vault together.
		B: Miss Parker's wearing a fabulous plastic outfit. They're sharing screen time. What more do we need? Look how well they work together! Look at all the not-so-subtle dad/daughter storyline parallels! And she doesn't even manage to look especially upset when he gets away at the end.
2.21	Bloodlines	A: OK, so I adore this episode despite the plot holes and inconsistencies. I love it. Love. It. It has everything-- all the characters old and young. Angelo and Parker interaction. Angelo and the (incredibly obvious yet still effective) piano playing; the acting is very nicely done here in the transition from Angelo's usual catatonic self to his nearly-normal self. Parker watching Jarod on the porch with the young boy-- I cry and cry, every time. This is the episode that really sent me over the edge, fan-wise, and made me a Fan. What this show could do when they were on their game was worth it in a thousand ways.
		B: There is no A and B. There is only The Love.

*Season Three*
3.1	Crazy	A: Jarod gets himself checked into a mental institution. Should've waited until early season four and gotten some actual treatment for his going-over-the-edge behaviour, hmm?
		B: Fenigore's memory has been wiped. This is not helpful.
3.2	Hope & Prey	A: Bounty hunter Jarod, looking for his father. Look! It's Stonetree from Forever Knight!
		B: With Angelo's help, Parker finds a lockbox that has a gun in it; apparently the gun that killed her mother. There's a ring of fire etched onto it. This episode is made less powerful by me humming Johnny Cash at random moments, but that probably won't be a problem for you. And really, this episode should have been better; Parker has a good B plot about being obsessed with tracking down Jarod's father because he (allegedly) killed her mother. The ending visual with Angelo sitting in the middle of a ring of fire is also terrific. But something about this episode never quite clicks for me, and it's not just that this season overall is destined to be weaker than season two.
3.3	Once in a Blue Moon	A: Jarod acts as an FBI agent to catch a killer-- that he profiled years before at the Centre. He helped catch the man, but never found the girl's body. The girl killed long ago was Raines's daughter.
		B: Creepy guest star, and an almost surprising twist at the end (almost). Parker looks gorgeous in this episode, but spends a lot of time wandering around; there's not a good B plot for her here. Plus, the whole Syd/Raines connection is never clear here-- why is Parker being sent to Florida? Does Raines know where Jarod is and is just letting him track the killer down? Very murky.
3.4	Someone to Trust	A: Rich woman, obvious plot. Jarod, don't think with your weenie. On the plus side, he does let himself be vulnerable, and does a nice job showing betrayal.
		B: Ah, Lyle. You look so pretty in this episode. He's trying to play that he's the penitent child, honouring his mother's memory, and it turns out he bought a mail-order bride and then beat her to death. Miss P finds out that Daddy helped cover it up (of course, Daddy doesn't believe that Lyle killed his bride) and you can just see the brittle shell come over her. How many times does stuff like this have to happen to her? Apparenly, quite a few more times. It's hard to give up on your father; at least she never bought into Lyle.
3.5	Betrayal	A: Someone's killed everyone at a Centre data annex, and Broots is on the run because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Jarod helps Broots figure out who is stealing Jarod's old sims and selling them. Again, look at the terrific chemistry between the Centre crew and Jarod. (deleted rant regarding inability or unwillingness of TPTB on this show to take advantage of it.)
		B: There's not really a clear B plot here, since it's so linked with the A. The good character stuff abounds, however. Miss P telling Lyle that Broots is more of a brother to her than Lyle will ever be. Broots worrying that Miss P won't protect Debbie, and Jarod replying "She hasn't got it in her heart. Or in her eyes." (and a friend has pointed out that when Jarod talks about Miss P, he always looks down, looks almost bashful; here's a perfect example of this.) This is so damn important-- we don't get a lot of J talking about Miss P, and this is really a big statement about a woman who is allegedly hunting him down. Jarod telling Broots that he admires what a good father Broots is; at this point, Jarod is hoping for a family (which hurts to see, because how realistic can that hope really be?). And at the end, Miss P not able to accept Broots's thanks for protecting Debbie... ouch.
3.6	Parole	A: Jarod gets all tatto-y pretending to be an ex-con, and runs around in a tank top. My, what nice muscles you have, little boy.
		B: Most excellent Sydney. Michelle is back, as is Syd's son, and Michelle's husband is dying. Sydney tries to start a relationship with Nicholas, tentatively, and mostly with Jarod listening in and looking heartbroken. And the last scene with Syd and Jarod is absolutely heart-ripping-out. The little fixing of the tie thing is obvious, but PB and MTW play it with simplicity, beauty and affection.
3.7	Homefront	A: Jarod as an arms dealer, saving kids who think their mother's dead. The mother is very much alive, and not too bright.
		B: I do love it when Jarod, et al, drive out of the drug lord's estate and drive by Parker. Hee.
3.8	Flesh and Blood	A: Nicholas, along with other teachers, is kidnapped by a bunch of crazy mountain people. Jarod sees the news report and signs up as a tracker on the FBI team sent to save them.
		B: Not really a very good episode, but I'll watch anything with lots of Syd, Jarod and Parker, especially when there's subtle exploration of the Syd/Jarod father/son dynamic. Yum. Oh, and I adore the end, where Jarod could have killed Lyle and didn't. Plus: "At least... he knows you love him."
3.9	Murder 101	A: Yawn. Oh so clever college kids murdered a professor. (Side note: people who think themselves that intellectually superior just bore the crap out of me, whether they're on TV or real life. End personal digression.)
		B:
3.10	Mr. Lee	A: Clip show.
		B: Entertaining clip show, and it's always nice to see the Elvis impersonator show up again.
3.11	The Assassin	A: Look, Jessica Steen is the guest star. Has she been on everything? I think so.
		B: First Thomas episode. Isn't he cute? And another Days of our Lives dude. Of course, you can also get creeped out when you re-watch it, knowing that Jarod "set them up." I prefer not to think about that. La la la.
3.12	Unsinkable	A: It's a dumb caper episode with Argyle. Jarod does a voiceover. I fast forward through most of the episode.
		B: The stuff about Thomas uncovering a hidden room that was used by Parker's mother feels incredibly forced here. The actors do the best they can with what they've been given, but it feels like "let's give Parker a construction-related trauma so that she and Thomas can be drawn closer really quickly without him actually learning anything about the Centre!" Forced.
3.13	Pool	A: Jennifer Garner guest stars. She can actually sing fairly well. The plot is beyond dumb, unfortunately.
		B:
3.14	At The Hour of Our Deaths	A: Miss Parker has a medical crisis, and Jarod has a plane crash. While they're both near death (get it? Look at the title! Isn't that clever?) they remember a little girl they knew years ago.
		B: Jarod sends Parker her mother's rosary, and we get fabulous moments between them-- even if they are just on the telephone. We take what we can get, often. This ep is Cliché Central, but it's good anyway, largely because the flashbacks reveal an awful lot about the young Jarod/Miss P-- they had a relationship far beyond just arranged meetings, and both of them had at least some flexibility to roam around the Centre. This is all very interesting.
3.15	Countdown	A: I hate this episode so much that I refuse to acknowledge it as part of canon. I excise it from the timeline by the sheer force of my will. The only possible use for this episode would be to use it as a basis for a "Jarod has gone too far" story, and you can use most of season four to write that story and still ignore this episode.
		B: There can't be a B plot in an episode that doesn't exist.
3.16	PTB	A: Jarod's filling in for a talk radio host. He's all snarky on the air.
		B: Thomas asks Parker to leave the Centre and move to Oregon with him. She says no initially, then reconsiders and gives him the "there are so many things you don't know about me" speech. Jarod also talks with Miss P and absolutely nails her to the wall when he asks her "You picked a fight with him (Thomas), didn't you?" It's a wonderful moment-- he knows her, and he knows her that well. (I prefer not to believe that Thomas told Jarod about the fight. I think he knew it because he knows Parker.)
3.17	Ties That Bind	A: Something about a lawyer working with the FBI. Jarod plays an IRS auditor and looks weirdly hot in little silver wire-rim glasses. It's all a big takeoff on The Firm.
		B: Miss Parker's going to leave the Centre with Thomas. Because that's going to happen. It hurts to watch, doesn't it? Of course, for my take on what her life would have been had she actually gotten out, and had the next episode never happened, go read True. But seeing Parker have hope reminds the viewer how rarely she gets the chance to hope for much of anything. The bit at the end with either Mr. Parker or Lyle returning the gun to Parker's hallway table ranks as one of the most subtle creepy moments on a show that's not known for the subtle.
3.18	Wake Up	A: Thomas is murdered. Come on, like you need to be reminded about this episode.
		B: Well, ouch. This episode hurts to watch, mostly because Andrea Parker does such a stunning job. Stunning. This episode is very real-- it doesn't feel glossy; we actually see raw grief and remorse and hurt, and not just from Miss P. While I can't watch it often, it's always rewarding when I do.
3.19	End Game	A: Profiler crossover, this one with Ally Walker. A boy has been kidnapped by someone he met online, and is taken off to be reprogrammed. Jarod is about to leave his job and "transfer" to another police precinct, but stays when he hears about this case; when asked why he's staying, Jarod replies "I have a thing about kidnappings." Ouch.
		B: MTW and Ally Walker have good non-sexual chemistry. I like how they worked together. I also like how she hugs him at the end, because she senses that Jarod's still the little boy inside who doesn't know what home is, or if he'll ever have one. Rarely on TV do we see plain old friendship between people of opposite sexes (unless one or the other are gay); this is a really nice moment in a series that doesn't often give those to us.
3.20	Qallupilluit	A: Blah, blah, Jarod's looking for his father who was up at a weather station in the middle of nowhere. Filler to the season ender, mainly. Feels like a takeoff on "Ice" from XF. In fact, in my head the title for this ep is "Ice," mostly because even in my head I have trouble spelling "Qallupilluit."
		B: Daddy P asks Miss P to lunch then blows her off when the Major Charles situation comes to light. This continues to disappoint Miss P; it's hard to give up on your father. Miss P tries to go hunt down Major Charles but weather stops them.
3.21	Donoterase	A: Jarod finally meets his dad. And it's clone time.
		B: Stupid plot, in general. But the ending. Holy mother of Elvis, the ending. And the scene with Parker and the Jarod clone is incredibly fine. This being a genre show, IMO the actors get very little credit; watch that scene for an example of how subtle Andrea Parker's work can be. She puts years of history into that scene without saying a word, and without overplaying it.

*Season Four*
4.1	The World's Changing	A:Jarod's trapped at the Centre for about twenty seconds, though it's long enough to hurt. Parker's in a hospital under "suicide watch," put there by Lyle to "protect" her. If you believe that...
		B: No one bothers to discuss what happened at the end of the last episode. Ever. Jarod SAVED MISS PARKER'S LIFE, and got sent back to the Centre (partly) because he did so. This never gets talked about by anyone, and it should have been. This dropped plot thread actually bothers me more than all the other dropped plot threads (not that I'm bitter or anything, oh no). Oh, and Mr. Lyle is apparently willing to blow up his sister. This should surprise no one.
4.2	Survival	A: Jarod's all military again, investigating a death in basic training.
		B:Parker and Lyle, trapped in a train car. Hee. Jarod, your mean streak isn't small, is it?
4.3	Angels Flight	A: Jarod goes Goth.
		B: Jarod looks good in leather, which only partially makes up for the rest of the episode.
4.4	Risque Business	A:Jarod as a sex therapist is really very entertaining. He's subbing in for a female therapist who was attacked. They go for the easy gags here, but it's still entertaining.
		B:
4.5	Road Trip	A: Jarod gets laid. And it's Zoe from General Hospital.
		B: Jarod wet and half-nekkid in a swimming pool-- pretty. Unfortunately, this is also where you realize the show lost their access to the younger actors, and you start to really miss them. The B-plot here is bad-- Jarod is far more inventive than dragging Syd, Broots and Parker to Kansas to make them look at scarecrows and draw Wizard of Oz analogies. This was a "oh we need another B-plot let's pull something dumb out of the sky" plot, indeed.
4.6	Extreme	A:Jarod joins some lame group that gets their kicks by doing extreme sports stunts. I think the guy running it was later on ER, and he wasn't any good in that, either.
		B:
4.7	Wild Child	A: Dumb, dumb, dumb. Don't ask what the A plot is. Don't try to count the plot holes, you'll drown.
		B: Precious little decent B plot, either. I like the female guest star, though.
4.8	Rules of Engagement	A:
		B:
4.9	Til Death Do Us Part	A: Hideous badness ensues on the anniversary of Thomas's death. I hate this episode in a thousand million different ways.
		B: It turns out that Jarod set up Thomas and Miss P, thus completing the picture of him as a pretty messed-up individual (I mean, go back and watch the phone conversations he has with her once she's dating Thomas, and they take on entirely new and CREEPY meaning). And he dresses up as a CLOWN, for God's sake, and watches a weird plastic figure reenactment of Thomas meeting Parker. It's all so damn creepy. And the time-filler music video at the end with Parker in a violet dress. Arrrrrgh! Oh, yeah, Brigitte has a baby boy, delivered by Parker, and dies. Daddy Parker's not especially upset by the death. Why this shocks Miss P is the big mystery. Andrea Parker does a great job with the crap she's handed here.
4.10	Spin Doctor	A: Second Profiler crossover, this one with Jamie Luner. MTW and JL have good and very sexual chemistry.
		B: When Jarod shows up later on Profiler, watch Jarod using sex to distract Jamie Luner's character. My, our little boy's grown up, and look what he's learned. Connect this with how he looks at Parker in IOTH, and I think you can pretty much write smut all the day long and find canon justification for it.
4.11	Cold Dick	A: You gotta love the episode title.
		B: Holy mother of Elvis, Broots and his Miss P fantasies. "Do I have to watch?" While this isn't logical character development by any stretch of the imagination, it's funny as hell. And makes for terrific screen caps.
4.12	Lifeline	A:
		B:
4.13	Ghosts From the Past	A: Jarod infiltrates a white supremacist group that plans on bombing a church that is having an interfaith/interrace unity day. Unfortunately, the guy running the group knows who Jarod is. Fortunately, there's another double agent in the group who saves Jarod's ass.
		B: The gang works with Angelo in order to figure out exactly where Jarod is and what kind of trouble he's in. And Miss P sits at her desk, thinking about Jarod (including the scene from "Keys") in a non-predatory fashion. Whoo hoo! And Jarod sits on top of the church, all in white. The man has no rhythm, sadly, but he directed the episode and did a nice job. This was the first episode in season four where I thought "Hey, maybe the show deserves another season."
4.14	Agent of Year Zero	A:
		B: Mr. Lyle not only likes to kill Asian women, he apparently likes to eat them. Incredibly over the top, yet watchable.
4.15	Junk	A: Jarod gets himself admitted to rehab, allegedly as a drug addict, to help a woman (Carrie Hamilton) who is losing custody of her child due to her drug habit, but is actually being drugged by her ex-husband's new fiancee.
		B: RIP, Carrie. Also turns out that the Centre addicted Jarod to drugs and then cold-turkeyed him. Parker confronts Sydney about why he allowed it to happen-- turns out Syd got addicted, too. Sick, sick, sick. But amidst the sickness, this is possibly the best episode of the last season, simply because we get to see all the characters, including Young Jarod/Syd.
4.16	School Daze	A:
		B:
4.17	Meltdown	A:
		B:
4.18	Corn Man	A: Jarod finds a video camera and goes on the hunt for a kidnapped mother and daughter.
		B: With one episode left, THIS is what they gave us? They obviously didn't expect to be cancelled.
4.19	The Inner Sense (two hours)	A: Whatever.
		B: Oh, goody. Miss Parker is psychic. There's a mystery brother. Catherine Parker didn't really die in the elevator (and don't ever make me watch the scene with her and young Jarod again, please, because eccch). Who gives a flying crap about continuity? Let's pull worthless garbage out of midair and throw it onscreen, despite the fact that they already had everything you need to put together a cliffhanger that would rock the universe. I fail to understand why so many shows dream up new garbage like this, rather than going back to the core of the show that made them succeed in the first place-- the existing cast of characters, and the established, baseline mytharc.

*The Movies*
The Pretender 2001		A: Dumb. Too damn dumb for words. I have no idea what this was supposed to accomplish.
		B: Yawn. At least it was nice to see lots of Toronto again.

Island of the Haunted		A: Everybody ends up on an island off of the coast of Scotland. They find scrolls. Blah, blah, blah, let's muck up the mythology some more. Just ignore the A-plot, mostly.
		B: After the stupidity of the first movie (what a waste of two hours!), here is exactly what this little fangirl needed to see. While they do muck the mythology up more, and there are some dreadful, awful accents used by the guest actors, and the whole Parker family history thing was pretty dumb, this movie really did make me feel better about the series as a whole. Yes, it ended on a cliff, but it gave the characters some of the depth they deserved. Mr. Parker did something unselfish (relatively). The folks in charge let Jarod and Miss Parker spend time together onscreen, which is what they should have been finding ways to do since Bloodlines. This time they spent together basically makes canon what most fan writers have been writing for years. If we had to go out after the stupidity of most of season four, after the badness of The Inner Sense-- this helped. Just a bit. It gave us a better place to stop, essentially. I know. I'm grasping at straws. Work with me, people. I've transcribed several scenes (the limo scene and the last two scenes of the movie); they're here.

Yes, I've written Pretender fan fiction. No, I'm not sure quite why, either. If you want to read it, go here.

Suggestions? Comments? Additions? Tell me.

Or go to the main page of my site.